Apologies and Amends

(Img Credit: Photo taken of presentation at Congregation Beth Israel, Scotch Plains, NJ)

"I don't apologize."

It's a sizable blanket statement. It was the answer I gave in an interview (for a job I didn't get). It was also 100% true for a time in my life. 

Apologies fly around adult conversation in places they shouldn't. Adults like to look at each other and say sorry for things that need to get done. "I'm sorry, but I need that report filed by 3 PM." Break it down: There is a report. It has to be done. It has to be done by a time. The listener is the responsible party for the report. The speaker is not sorry for this list of facts. The apology shouldn't happen. 

When I started looking at professional conversations in this way, it made things far less personal - for me. There's a thing to do, someone is responsible for the thing, and the thing gets done. It's a sterile, clinical relationship. With this type of relationship, empathy decreases. There's no reason for empathy when nothing is personal. In fact, it moves in the other direction. When nothing is personal, but one of the parties involved in the responsibilities takes it personally, I found myself looking down on them. Didn't they understand that the situation wasn't personal? Why were they so unprofessional?

I've learned some things from this mindset. First, and probably the most important, personal relationships have very little to do with bottom lines, deadlines, or lines in the deli. In fact, finding empathy in the connections we make each day is one of the traits that allow educators to move beyond the cold, hard numbers that make up a student into the realm of helping that student reach his or her potential as human beings. That's significant.

I have started apologizing again. When I find myself faced with delivering disappointing news, I need to be able to look past it as matter of fact and see it as news that will change the course of the receiver's day. When I have done something to warrant an apology, I apologize and when I haven't done anything per se but I know that there's bad news to give. An apology does not mean laying claim to guilt, but it shows that I'm empathetic to person feeling the pain. Sometimes empathy is enough to let someone know you see they're hurting, and that can go a long way to mitigating that pain.